i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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