OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
