turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
two words: eviction party
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
