There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
