all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
