im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
