Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
