her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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