Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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