After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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