im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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