Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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