Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
