went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
