Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How naked do you want me to be?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
