Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
