benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
