she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
