Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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