If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
