Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
