apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Come share oat with me in your robe
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
