im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
