I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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