I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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