Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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