I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
