I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
