Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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