i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
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I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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