it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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