she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
