Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
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Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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