I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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