We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
