my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
