Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
please come you make the beer taste better
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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