I think im going to throw up on grandma
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
