So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
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I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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