Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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