i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
