An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
