I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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