I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Randomize
