You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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