Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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