You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
