I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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