Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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