woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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