I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
