awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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