the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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