I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My feet surprised me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
