Hey man sorry I got all grabby
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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