Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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