I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
