I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
