Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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