She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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